Fear at the Table

Year 4 month 4

April 2019

About 7 weeks ago I got a phone call – it was one of those phone calls that you never want to get. A week before I had a mammogram and they were calling to say they found a lump and I was to make an appointment at the hospital.

The next day I was in the hospital having a series of tests. In my head I knew everything was ok so I didn’t think anything of it. I went straight in afterwards for the results and he said that I needed to have further test which meant I needed a biopsy. That was something I really didn’t want but knew I had to go.

A week later I had the appointment for the biopsy. I was convinced that they wouldn’t find anything and the procedure wouldn’t happen. However it did happen and I came out quite traumatised. It was the worst thing I have ever been through. I think it was because I wasn’t mentally prepared for what was about to happen.

A week after that I went to the doctors to find out the results and he said that it’s something called DCIS and he graded it between 2-3 (normal is 0 and cancer is 5). I left a little in a daze not actually sure what I had heard.

Once I had had time to think I went back for my next appointment with a whole heap of questions. I asked “is it cancer?” He said “yes” but it was caught very early. It’s basically cancer that is contained within the duct and hasn’t spread yet. He also said that it wasn’t life threatening at this stage.

Apparently only 12% of cancer patients get diagnosed that early. In this country you don’t get routine mammograms until you are 50 so it was fortunate I had one when I happened to have a medical. The doctor also told me that by the time I turned 50 it would have been far worse. I count myself very fortunate that I am one of those 12%.

So the next procedure was to get it removed. The doctor said I would be asleep for the operation but there was a procedure that was to happen first. Basically a pin needed to be put in as this helps the doctor during the operation to find the correct location. To place the pin meant that another biopsy was required. This was the part I was dreading and it was all going to happen the following Friday.

A lot happened during that week. I had a few more hospital appointments and Matt was packing as he was going away. He said he would stay with me but I insisted that he went.

Matt left on the Wednesday before and I had a pre-op appointment. This wasn’t pleasant and the nurse told me all the things that could possibly happen to me gave all the worst case scenarios. I actually left feeling okay, but then my mind started to wander and I started to freak myself out and I just started to panic.

Up until that point I felt I controlled my emotions quite well. However I did notice that I was stress eating and that probably didn’t help much.

I think panicking was probably a very natural thing but I didn’t have anyone to console me as Matt was now away and all the rest of my family and friends were away too. By the afternoon I got myself into quite a state and I had a bit of a breakdown in front of my sons teacher. I knew he had cancer in the past (his was a lot more aggressive than mine).

I don’t think he knew what hit him. He all of a sudden had this emotional woman to contend with. However he was really nice and soon put me at ease saying that everything will be fine. After he managed to calm me down I did start to feel a bit silly about what had happened.

The next day I spoke to a friend and she told me about a situation she had many years before. She had to have a biopsy which was a very stressful time for her. She said that she saw a picture and it was of her sitting at the dinner table with all her friends with her. They were faith, peace, hope, joy, love and things like that. She said she also saw some figures in the background and wondering what they were doing there.

Later she got an overwhelming fear of what was to happen to her and she saw the picture again but this time a figure in the background was moving closer

She asked God who they were. She felt God say they are fear, stress, anxiety, pain and things like that. She saw it was fear moving and about to stand behind faith. She then asked God what are they even doing there and she felt him say they are always in the room but it’s up to you whether you invite them to your table. I thought it was brilliant and I really did hold onto that.

The next day I woke up and I was so calm. The first procedure with the pin was at 8am. They took me into the room and then left me for about 10 minutes. Instead of panicking seeing this big scary machine that traumatised me last time, I decided to pray and when they came back through they said they were going to start now. They put me in the machine and by this time I was singing the song “No longer a slave to fear” (it’s been a song that’s meant a lot to me over the last few years). They were talking to me but I don’t know what was said. They then said all done. I said “really, how long was I in the machine for?” One of them said 15 minutes – to me it felt like 15 seconds. I was in totally my own little world praying and singing that I didn’t even notice. It was such an amazing experience I came out happy and quite emotional.

In the afternoon I had the operation. I was in the hospital with my friends and we were laughing and joking. Anyone would think we were watching a funny movie rather than sitting on the cancer ward waiting for an op. We had many nurses coming to talk to us – even the doctor wanted to stay and chat.

The operation was a great success and I had the most amazing day. That day was meant to be one of the worst days of my life it ended up being something totally amazing and I really sensed that God was there with me throughout. It really does show that God can turn any bad situation around.

I do have a follow up appointment soon where I find out where we go from here. I know there maybe some more treatment to come but I feel all will be ok whatever happens.